The Lutheran school I attended from preschool through eighth grade
felt huge. In reality, the entire school probably had no more than 300 students during any given year. Like most schools, it was its own ecosystem,
with popular kids, school lore, and notorious teachers who you'd
somehow get for third grade, and then later for 7th grade science,
followed by 8th grade art.
Ginger and I
have frequently documented some of the stranger quirks of our school,
including the traffic light mounted on the wall of our cafeteria to
indicate our allowable conversation volume (green for talking, yellow
for whispering, and red for silence).
The light
must have been green the day Linda and a few friends and I were talking
and laughing at lunchtime. Linda was tall with a razor sharp ear-length
bob. She had a reputation for being a fast runner, and from what I
recall, everyone liked her. In fact, one year
while on the way to Linda's birthday party, the entire car
full of school girls erupted into repeated cheers of "L-I-N-D-A!" over
and over on our way to Penny Whistle Park.
That day the girls and I were eating our sack lunches, miniature
cartons of milk beside each of us. Linda extracted a single Cheeto from
a clear plastic baggie, but instead of eating it, she proceeded to
place it in an upright position between her middle and ring fingers.
"Look!" she said with mischievous excitement in her eyes.
I stared at her hand, and at the Cheeto standing in for a middle finger.
"Well,
that's not hard," I said, thinking she was unable to lift her middle
finger in such a way. Maybe holding up that finger was something akin to
being able to roll your tongue, or make one eye move independently from
the other (a skill my sister had mastered which I, sadly, had not).
I quickly held up my own hand, middle finger standing at attention. I was
eager to impress the girls at my table with my apparently unique
ability to single out this particular appendage.
"Valerie!" Linda exclaimed, looking gleeful at my digital faux pas. "You can't do that!"
"Why not?"
"Because! It means I hate God!"
I
don't know the circumstances in which this was explained to her, but I
like to imagine a pint-sized Linda spotting "the bird" out in the wild and
questioning her parents as to what that meant. Her mother and father
probably shared a look, telepathically agreed on their story, and gave Linda an elementary-appropriate explanation for what such an act meant: I hate God.
(The
parents of most of the children at my school undoubtedly fed their
children similar stories about the worst the world has to offer. They
also must have told them religious reasons for why we do certain things.
Why else would a boy in my class have told me that spelling the name of
our Heavenly Father with a lowercase g is a sin—"god" instead of "God?")
I
don't know how long I believed holding up your middle finger meant "I
hate God," but the message that it was inappropriate certainly embedded itself in my brain.
We never discussed middle fingers again. I don't recall that explanation being repeated, so it must have left with Linda when her family moved away the following year.
For the record, though, just in case it was true: I do not hate God.
It's a crazy world, where up is down, boy bands play instruments, and "Boss Baby" is an Academy Award-nominated movie. Fortunately, it stops there, and won't also become an Academy Award-winning movie. And I can guarantee that, because I know exactly who is going to win. And I've never, ever been wrong.*
Best Picture: I used to always get this category right. Now I always get it wrong. But this is the year I turn it around! I know it's down to "Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri" and "The Shape of Water." (Some are predicting an upset by "Get Out" or "Lady Bird," but I just don't see it). If I wasn't sure before, their big win at the BAFTA's convinced me: this year's top prize is going to "Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri."
Best Director: This one, however, WILL go to "The Shape of Water," as the Academy has recently moved to awarding the director of the most technically advanced film of the year. Guillermo del Toro will win this one.
Best Actress: There's an outside chance that Saoirse Ronan could sneak in a win here, but I really can't picture anyone winning over Frances McDormand and her riveting turn in "Three Billboards." She's such a pro, and watching her act is truly watching a master at work.
Best Supporting Actor: I really, really, really love Sam Rockwell (particularly for his hilarious and heartfelt turn in "The Way, Way Back.") He's such an incredible actor, and so much fun to watch. (Plus, have you seen him dance?) All that to say, it's going to be really fun to see him walk away with the gold come Sunday.
Best Supporting Actress: It's another two-woman race, this time between Allison Janney and Laurie Metcalf. And here's the thing: while I absolutely adore Allison Janney (I own six of her movies!), I think Laurie Metcalf's heartbreaking and nuanced performance in "Lady Bird" is miles ahead of Janney's portrayal of LaVona Harding in "I, Tonya." However, Allison Janney has been unstoppable this awards season, and I think she'll come out on top once again.
Animated Feature: Sorry, "Boss Baby!" The award for Best Animated Feature will be the sweet, beautiful, musically rich "Coco!" Pixar gets to add another golden statue to their pile when they take home the win for this wonderful trip through the Land of the Dead.
Production Design: Let's be honest: "Blade Runner 2049" really SHOULD win this. It really, really should. But the scales seem to be tipping in "The Shape of Water's" direction, so I think they'll end up swimming away with the big award in the end.
Cinematography: BUT. THIS is where "Blade Runner 2049" is almost a shoe-in to win. Roger Deakins, legendary cinematographer, will finally, FINALLY win an Academy Award this year, after 14 (FOURTEEN) nominations!
Costume Design: I can hardly imagine a movie about gorgeous clothes not winning the Oscar for Best Costume Design. It'll be "Phantom Thread."
Film Editing: "Dunkirk" and "Baby Driver," two of my favorite films of the year, are in a dead heat for this category. And as much as I would love (LOVE) to predict this one for "Baby," I think the Academy is more likely to award the time-jumping narrative of "Dunkirk." Makeup and Hairstyling: Awww, yes. Hair, done by one team of people, and makeup, done by another team. So sure, let's make them share a category! That is definitely a thing that makes sense. Anyway! While watching "Darkest Hour," I kept looking at Winston Churchill and thinking, "I am looking at a person that does not exist. Gary Oldman looks nothing like this guy on the screen, and there's simply not an actor that actually looks like that. For this astounding feat, "Darkest Hour" is the clear winner.
Original Score: I really loved the music in "Dunkirk," and I think they have a small chance of winning, as does "Phantom Thread." However, all of the momentum in this category seems to be for Alexandre Desplat's score for "The Shape of Water."
Original Song: Look out, 'cause here comes... a really tough category! Again, it comes down to two: "Remember Me" (the heartbreakingly beautiful earworm from "Coco," which appears in a remarkable three different forms in the film), and the power ballad "This is Me" from "The Greatest Showman." In the end though, the exceedingly talented Benj Pasek and Justin Paul will win their second Oscar in a row in this category, this time for "The Greatest Showman."
Original Screenplay: Talk about a STACKED category! The question of who will win comes down, though, to just two nominees: "Get Out" and "Three Billboards." Do you go with the really creative, original idea for a movie ("Get Out")? Or do you pick the one with the twisting story and razor sharp dialogue ("Three Billlboards")? I have a feeling most of the voters loved "Get Out" and will want to find a way to honor Jordan Peele, so he's got a shot here. However, I don't see it happening. I'm going with "Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri."
Adapted Screenplay: Three things lead me to believe this award is going to James Ivory. 1) He's kind of old (89, actually) and that makes for a great Hollywood narrative. 2) He's been nominated three previous times and never won. 3) The voters seem to love "Call Me By Your Name," which likely won't pick up any other awards on Sunday. So there you have it: "Call Me By Your Name" will win Best Adapted Screenplay.
Sound Mixing: It's once again between "Dunkirk" and "Baby Driver." If it was a true RACE race, I would bet everything on "Baby Driver." But alas, Baby can't drive his Subaru through this one. The Academy historically loves war movies in this category, so I'm going "Dunkirk."
Sound Editing: I would love to be wrong in one of these sound categories, if only it meant that "Baby Driver" could pick up at least one Oscar. I don't think it's going to happen though; I think "Dunkirk" will win this one as well.
Visual Effects: I keep avoiding this category because I just! Don't! Want! To make! A decision! The effects in "Blade Runner 2049" were stunning. S T U N N I N G. They shouldn't be counted out in this category. On the other hand, though... you have those apes. This is the third in a trilogy of films that hasn't won yet in this category. I think it's very possible that the Academy will want to award the whole series by finally giving them a visual effects Oscar for "War for the Planet of the Apes."
Documentary Feature: Man, this one could go to any of these movies. I don't envy the voters on categories like this. In the end, I'll go with "Faces Places."
Documentary Short: The opioid crisis is about as topical as it gets, so I'm going to guess "Heroin(e)" will grab this award.
Foreign Language Film: The only movie I've heard of in this category is "A Fantastic Woman." (Something tells me that might be the case for a large percentage of the Academy voters as well.) Look for "A Fantastic Woman" to win here.
Animated Short: Guys, if "Dear Basketball" wins? Kobe Bryant will be an ACADEMY AWARD-WINNER. And I think that actually might happen on Sunday night! Pixar is usually not one to be bet against, and they still might pull out a win with "Lou." However, once I was reminded that Hollywood is a Laker town, I became convinced that this category is indeed going to "Dear Basketball."
Live Action Short: In this current climate, it's kind of hard to imagine that a short about a school shooting won't score a ton of votes. That's why I think the winner will be "DeKalb Elementary."
Just kidding. I'm wrong about this... (sigh)... a lot. An awful lot. *stares out into the distance*
3. Into the Wild, Jon Krakauer At the beginning of the
book, I was on team "this guy was an idiot." By the end I just felt so
sad that Christopher McCandless was gone (spoiler alert?)—even if he was a bit of a punk. The author did a
great job weaving an empathetic and tragic story that was truly
gripping, although perhaps I shouldn't be surprised, as I'm a huge fan of Into Thin Air. The level of detail was fascinating rather than tedious, and the picture Krakauer painted of McCandless's life and tragic death was thoroughly engrossing. It's a great read, and one that moves briskly through the story (save one inexplicable extended foray into the author's own climbing background). In the end, I was left both cursing McCandless for his hubris and mourning the way his story turned out.
"The trip was to be an odyssey in the fullest sense of the word, an epic journey that would change everything."
2. Cocaine Blues, Kerry Greenwood
One of my favorite TV shows from last year was Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries. (I was correct in my prediction that I would only come to love it more—it's now one of my all-time favorite shows, and my roommate and I are constantly re-watching episodes.) All this love led me to seek out the books the television series was based on, and I'm SO glad I did! Book 1 in the series, Cocaine Blues, introduces our beautiful and independent heroine Phrynne Fisher, who is just as highly intelligent and capable in the books as she is on the show. This brilliant mix of 1920's Australian culture, a fascinating and brisk mystery, and, best of all, our terribly clever protagonist. I love a mystery that doesn't just reveal itself in the end, and sure enough, once again Phyrne can only save the day by using her smarts and lots of really hard work. This was a joy to read, and I can't recommend it enough.
“You broke the window, Bobby, and you pinched the necklace. Do you want to confess or shall I tell you how you did it?”
1. Wild, Cheryl Strayed
I don't like hiking. I don't identify with Cheryl Strayed, her story, or her need to hike the Pacific Crest Trail. But I figuratively walked every step of the way right along with her, shaking my head at her foolish unpreparedness, waiting with bated breath to learn if she made it through her most recent setback, and cheering at every minor victory along the way. I wouldn't have thought this was my kind of book, but I found it to be completely un-put-down-able for the entire duration. Her stories about her journey and the unforgettable people she met along the way are seamlessly interwoven with her backstory: the heartbreak of losing her mother (she said she wasn't afraid to be alone on the trail because THE WORST THING HAD ALREADY HAPPENED TO HER) and every other event that led to her embarking on her journey on an otherwise unremarkable summer day in 1995. The theatrical adaptation starring Reese Witherspoon was perfectly fine, but if you haven't read the full story of Cheryl's time on the PCT, you haven't experienced Wild.
"I walked and I walked, my mind shifting into a primal gear that was void
of anything but forward motion, and I walked until walking became
unbearable, until I believed I couldn't walk even one more step. And then I ran.”
Honorable Mention Born a Crime, Trevor Noah Death in the Clouds, Agatha Christie Textbook Amy Krouse Rosenthal, Amy Krouse Rosenthal You Couldn't Ignore Me If You Tried, Susannah Gora Slave Day,Rob Thomas Fallout and Double Down, Gwenda Bond Crazy Rich Asians, Kevin Kwan I Love You, Ronnie, Nancy Reagan The Boys in the Boat, Daniel James Brown
My goal for this year was to read 30 books. For once I actually blew past my goal: this year I read 38 books! That may not seem like a huge deal, but I'm pretty proud of myself for constantly searching for new books to read, making several trips to the library, and suffering through Audible narrators doing things like pronouncing the word 'capsule' as 'cap-sue-al'—yes, really. (And he wasn't even British or anything! Looking at you, Wil Wheaton!)
My Three Favorite Movies of 2017
3. (tie) Thor: Ragnarok
Without a doubt, Thor: Ragnarok was the FUNNIEST movie I saw this year. Taika Waititi is an absolute genius, and I'm eternally grateful that he was given the reins to a Marvel movie. He crafted a irreverent, fun, hilarious film and still managed to imbue it with weight andlasting meaning. I love quoting this movie, I love laughing about this movie, and I can't wait to see it again.
3. (tie) Coco I didn't think Coco was ultimately going to make my list this year. I really didn't. But every time I think about leaving it off of my list, my heart clenches, and I just can't bear the thought. This movie is so sweet and charming, and its themes on family and memory are deeply affecting. I can't stop listening to the music, most of all the tear-inducing "Remember Me (Lullaby)" and "Remember Me (Reunion)." Also "Proud Corazón" and "The World Es Mi Familia." (Okay THE WHOLE SOUNDTRACK! Go check it out if you haven't yet!)
2. Home Again
You're questioning my taste in movies, I know it. But just hear me out: this simple, sweet, and very pretty movie just makes me SO happy. When I was re-watching movie trailers trying to decide what order to put my favorites in, this is the one that made me smile and feel all warm and sparkly inside. It's such a fluffy, inconsequential little film, and yet it just fills my heart with joy. Everyone's just so beautiful (including the male lead, as explained in this essay in which the author calls him "an extremely attractive 20-something who looks like a Hillsong youth pastor" and questions, "Was his face created by a Pinterest algorithm? Or in the same CW lab that created Nate Archibald?"), their problems are so simple, and they do things like watch old movies outside on artfully arranged designer blankets under the stars. This movie is all about low stakes and high comfort, and sometimes that's exactly what you need from your movies.
1. Baby Driver
I don't think I can adequately express to you how much I lovedBaby Driver. As a huge fan of Hot Fuzz (Edgar Wright directed them both), I went in with pretty high expectations. Baby Driver surpassed them all. Everything worked for me: the stunts, the music, the acting, the romance, the dancing, the classic Edgar Wright cuts—everything. When I left the movie theater, I felt breathless and excited and full of adrenaline, almost as if I'd just gone on an exhilarating 100-mile-an-hour car ride with Baby himself. I just had a BLAST. And then I went and saw it again and had another
blast. Then I went back AGAIN because I just couldn't get enough, and
guess what? IT WAS STILL A BLAST. Baby Driver was my favorite movie of the year by SEVERAL HUNDRED MILES. I
saw 33 of the movies that came out in 2017 and 32 of them pale in
comparison to Baby Driver. I hope you got a chance to see it on the big screen, because there's just nothing like it. If you didn't, you should still check it out as soon as you can. It'll blow your hair back and make your heart race and by the end you'll feel like you can go kick a hole in the sun.
Honorable Mention: The Post, Wonder Woman, The Big Sick, Everything Everything, Dunkirk, The Greatest Showman, Murder on the Orient Express
My Three Favorite TV Shows of 2017
Favorite shows I started watching this year:
3. American Vandal
Here's the thing about American Vandal: it's incredibly crass. There's no getting around that. The central mystery of this eight-episode mockumentary is: "Who spray painted a bunch of obscene images on 27 cars in the faculty parking lot?"The Netflix original is a comedic send-up of true crime shows like Making a Murderer and Serial. It takes this seemingly silly "whodunit" concept deadly seriously, which naturally just makes it funnier. You can't believe that this was one of my favorite shows of the year, and that's fine. I kind of can't believe it either. But as I continued to watch, I was surprised to find the mystery intensify, the characters become deeper and more layered, and the documentary (fake or not) itself lend meaning and weightiness to such an (apparently) dimwitted story. It's a difficult show to describe, so let me just end with this: the scene where high school documentarian Peter storms up to Dylan's house in a downpour to pummel on the back door and demand to know why he's been lied to and betrayed was as riveting as any I saw this year. Stream it on Netflix
2. Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television
Not every show is for everybody. I'm a firm believer in that. Frankly, I don't know who Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television is for, exactly—other than me. A show that stars a Veronica Mars alum, guest starring everyone from Joel McHale to Kristen Bell herself, and makes constant reference to television, acting, and the entertainment industry as a whole? They might has well have called it, Ryan Solves Crimes on Television Just For You, Valerie! A delightfully bonkers comedic mystery series that takes meta to the extreme, RHSCOT is one of the most creatively risky shows I've ever experienced. It's a true delight from top to bottom that probably wouldn't work with any other lead—Ryan Hansen plays the perfect combination of guileless, optimistic, and delusional—and I'm not just saying that because we're total Twitter BFFs. Watch it on YouTube Red
1. The Good Place
I TECHNICALLY started watching The Good Place last year, but only a few episodes had aired by the time I wrote last year's blog. When the show came back in January of 2017, it had gathered some serious steam, and each episode just got better and better. The season 1 finale BLEW MY FORKING MIND and ever since then I have been obsessed. Kristen Bell is her usual luminous and effortless self, and the writing (especially the restaurant puns) is on POINT, brilliantly marrying comedy and an intriguing world-spinning narrative. I can't oversell this show to you: it's that genius, that creative, and that hilarious. Do yourself a favor and catch up on the best network comedy since Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Watch season one on Netflix and season two on NBC
Honorable Mention:Bletchley Circle, Great News, Manhunt: Unabomber, The Keepers
Special Mention #1: Riverdale is overly dramatic and a LOT of the time I just find myself rolling my eyes at the TV. But here's the thing: I cannot stop watching it. This moody, beautifully shot, dumb show knows exactly how to keep me coming back for more. Step 1: Base it on my favorite (read: only) comic book series I read as a kid. Step 2: Cast a combination of super fun, super pretty stars, and throwback actors like Luke Perry and Skeet Ulrich. Step 3: Throw in a ton of hilarious one-liners and zingers delivered by the saltiest teenagers since a certain blonde detective went to high school. Step 4: Keep me guessing about any number of fascinating mysteries: Who killed Jason Blossom? Who's the Black Hood? What temperature is it supposed to be??? It's a winning combination, and one that always leaves me coming back for more. Stream it on Netflix or The CW App
Special Mention #2: This year I finally finished watching ALL six seasons of Dawson's Creek. I had a blast, and it made me so nostalgic—not necessarily for the show itself, since I wasn't watching it live when it first aired, but for the time period of the late '90's and early '00's, the exact time I was in high school. From the costumes and hairstyles to the music and lack of cell phones, it brought back a ton of memories for me, and I'm so glad I finally got to experience the fun (and ridiculousness) of Capeside for myself. Watch it on DVD like a peasant because they took it off Netflix before you could finish it. But apparently it's on Hulu now.
My Three Favorite Other Things That Don't Fall Into Another Category of 2017
3. Holiday Inn filmed live
I wasn't able to make it to New York to see Holiday Inn during its limited run last year. That's why I am SO grateful that they filmed this beautiful, funny, and sweet show and aired it on PBS so that I could record it, bless it, and keep it safe on my DVR forever. If you missed it, come over to my house and we'll watch Corbin Bleu dance through fire crackers, rows of gifted performers tap dance while jump roping, and my close, personal friend Bryce Pinkham serenade us through the screen.
2. My Favorite Murder podcast
I have a confession to make: I am what they call a murderino. (Chances are, you're one too, because who doesn't have at least a minor fascination with true crime?) I was hooked on the first episode I listened to, and I've thoroughly enjoyed every episode since. Treading the line between reverent fear and out-and-out hilarity ("Unless you're a ghost baseball player, you don't need to be in that field."), My Favorite Murder never fails to keep the laughs (or the chills) coming. Just remember: stay sexy and DON'T get murdered!
1. Disney's Newsies: The Broadway Musical filmed live
You've heard me talk endlessly about Newsies, so I won't go back over well-trod territory. Suffice it to say, knowing that they filmed my all-time favorite Broadway show with the original Broadway leads and a hybrid super-cast made up of both touring and original Broadway dancers thrills me to no end. I went and saw it three times at the movie theater, and now it's on Netflix for us all to enjoy again and again and again. (And again, probably.) Honorable Mention: Psych: The Movie, The Meet Cute Cafe Podcast, Tiffany Haddish on Jimmy Kimmel and SNL, the Potato Salad Guy, Busy Philipps' Instagram Stories
My Three Favorite Events of 2017
3. Working Girl
This was a difficult year at work, but in the end one good thing happened: I got a title change, added responsibility, and more time to spend on my passion: social media. It's hard to be excited amidst the challenge and change that have come to define the past six months at work, but in the end I have this wonderful shining bright spot that I can return to and take pride in.
2. MorbyFamily Christmas
Family time is always the best time. Our Christmas this year was packed with laughter, Christmas lights, fun, cookie-making, games, presents, hide-n-seek, movies, playgrounds and more. I could keep talking about it, or you could just click play and see for yourself!
1. Dear Evan Hansen on Broadway
I was fortunate enough to go to New York again this past summer, and we saw a lot of amazing Broadway shows, including Bandstand, Groundhog Day, and Natasha, Pierre, & the Great Comet of 1812. But the very best show I saw last year, and the best show I've seen in a long time, was Dear Evan Hansen. It's so good, it's so good, and I feel like I could just keep typing "IT'S SO GOOD" for the rest of this paragraph and it still wouldn't be enough. If Hamilton is the bomb that blew up Broadway and lit the pop culture
world on fire, then Dear Evan Hansen is the sparkling star that fell
from above for you to cradle in your hands and protect at all costs. And to be more precise: if I had to pinpoint the happiest, most fulfilled few moments of my year, it happened during Ben Platt, Will Roland, and Mike Faist's performance of the song Sincerely, Me,
three minutes and 40 seconds of pure, concentrated joy. I've loved that song since the first time I heard it, and I can remember
the feeling of finally experiencing it in real life so clearly: leaning
forward, grinning from ear to ear, and feeling like sunshine was pouring out
of my own face.
