Sunday, February 12, 2012

A "Vow" I Would Break

You know, I honestly don't know that I can possibly convey to you how bad I thought "The Vow" was, or exactly why. This really might not work. But that's not going to keep me from trying...

This insipid movie is an insult to mindless romantic movies. It's astonishing in its dullness, infuriating in its lack of a compelling plot, and absolutely astounding in its utter unbelievability.

The people in this film act like no one else I've ever seen or heard of. Seriously: NOBODY BEHAVES LIKE THAT!!! They looked like humans and they vaguely SOUNDED like humans, insofar as they used, like, words to communicate with each other. But the resemblances stopped there. Everything they did was either terribly contrived ("We go swimming in a lake once a month because... we do!") or a result of inexplicable plot contrivances. At the end of nearly every scene, I was left asking WHY??? Explain to me why you are even doing this. And WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT ANY OF THESE VAPID PEOPLE? You have given me NO reason.

However, the BIGGEST and most glaring problem, is due to just one thing:

Channing Tatum.

Y'all, I'm going to be completely honest with you: I DON'T GET CHANNING TATUM.

I don't! What do people see when they look at him??? Because I see, like, a walking chest with vacant squinty eyes and almost comically over-sized biceps. And the acting talent of a wooden post.

Channing Tatum brings the phrase "zero acting ability" to new heights (depths?), and one must wonder what kind of deal he made with Satan to get to star opposite an actress as effervescent at the lovely Rachel McAdams.


I just didn't believe a single thing he did or said. At all. Instead of yelling, "I'm trying to help you!" he might has well have just yelled "I! Am SHOUTING right now! Because it says so in the script!" And what I can't seem to get across to people is exactly how much Channing Tatum's lack of believability and complete woodeness hurt the movie.

So I decided to re-make the poster with what I felt like would be a more accurate representation of C-Tates in this film.


In conclusion: I DON'T UNDERSTAND CHANNING TATUM!!!!!!!!! And also don't go see "The Vow."


Ginger said...

Can't. Stop. Laughing. (Don't want to, either.)

Lauren said...

It was insipid- in it's truest definition. I didn't hate it, but it was flavorless.
In trying so hard to be realistic it became boring AND unrealistic. I also thought her crazy parents could have been more compelling if they were countered by a relationship that had some passion (or even at least a connection)!

tatum is nice to look at, but you are right about his acting!

Joey said...

"How could you? HOW DARE YOU!"

After I read your review of The Vow, that's what I said as I pounded my keyboard and buried my head in my hands.

In a world of hurt and uncertainty, Channing Tatum is a beacon of hope.

First of all, his acting isn't wooden. This is offensive. His torso is wooden, yes, because he began life as a lowly exotic dancer. Only to become GI Joe. An American success story.

In between the pelvic-thrusting lows of stripping and the highs of being the Ken doll in a Nicholas Sparks movie, Channing taught us that white guys are very good at dancing. Step Up did for dancing custodians what Good Will Hunting did for genius custodians. Channing Tatum is a role model.

Without Channing Tatum's ground breaking work in Step Up: The Phantom Menace, the world never could've experienced Step Up 2 the Streets. I saw that movie on Valentine's Day back in 2008, and in that theater, I saw a man propose to his girlfriend before the first dance battle. True story. Channing Tatum is hope.

Without Tatum's vulnerability in the Shakespearean classic "She's the Man," I never would've known that somtimes telling the truth about how you like cheese will make a former Nickelodeon star fall for you.

I love America, therefore I love Channing Tatum. And your Tatum trashing, Valerie, will not stand.

Do you know what Ryan Gosling's abs call abs? Tatums.

I rest my case.

Stevox said...

I found Joey's description to be inspiring:


Joey said...

Stevox could easily be described as the artistic spokesperson of our generation.

Mariana said...

I've been wanting to see the vow especially since it's supposedly based on a true story, at least that's what the today show taught me. oh well. better go work on my tatums.

reneamac said...

"This insipid movie is an insult to mindless romantic movies."

That made me laugh out loud, and I'm still smiling about it. My boss is going to be suspicious...


Probably the same people who cast Keanu Reaves and Paul Walker... :/