Online dating doesn't have to be awkward.

I met my husband on eHarmony.

I signed up for an on-line dating three separate times in my late twenties. Once for three months with eHarmony, one month through Match, and then a final one-month sprint on eHarmony that led to the final match with my husband. These facts don’t make me an expert on the topic. I went on dates with three different people and obviously married one of those three.

That being said – I’ve had multiple friends ask for advice when it comes to online dating. There are important things to consider before meeting a total stranger, but I think there are also some really important things to consider on the day you sign-up for an account.

Here’s my list of important reminders!

 

On-Line Dating Pros:

1.  1 in 8 marriages now start out as online dating relationship. We were hesitant to talk about it at first, but now it’s just a part of our story. I feel like every time we tell our story we hear about more and more people who are really finding success through the medium.I have no problem giving a shout-out to the matchmaking skills of a website… and more importantly to the matchmaking skills of a Heavenly Father who can use ANYTHING to accomplish His purposes.

2.  Online dating provides a "place" to meet people that you don't already have reason to meet. Very helpful in our situation… we lived almost an hour away from each other.

3.  Online dating websites are super user friendly. You get to find a service that embodies your values - which already helps you narrow the field dramatically. (So helpful.)

TIPS FOR FILLING OUT AN PROFILE:

1. Make the main thing the main thing. I set up some “must haves” for myself when I started the journey. I was personally looking for something more than someone who just went to church. I wanted someone who was following after Jesus. I was careful to use that type of language in my profile so no one would have to guess where I stood. Put out there whatever is most important to you – active vs. sedentary lifestyle, willing to attend sporting events, wanting to have kids, faith… etc. It will save everyone a lot of time.

2. Have someone who knows you well read through your profile. My girlfriend who did that for me actually changed a few things. She said that even though what I had was good, it wasn’t an accurate and full picture of me… it was too serious. She helped refine the descriptive words about me and checked for grammar and spelling. (Speaking of grammar – that’s something I looked for in every profile I came across. If you can’t take the time to proofread I’m probably done reading your profile.) She also helped me pick out a variety of pictures. A lot of guys and gals choose to put up one in a bathing suit to show off tats and what-not… but that’s not my M.O. and frankly that’s not the guy I was looking for. (In fact, a shirtless pic as the main pic was a turn off for me. I’m not dating/marrying someone’s abs or nipple ring.)

3. Fill out that “What’s one thing my friends know about me?” question. I rolled my eyes at the number of guys who answered, “Guess you will have to wait to find that out.” Not clever. Everyone answers that way. Be unique!

4. Don’t make your search too small. Again – keep the main things firm (for me strong faith, not smoking, and wanting a family were most important) – but be ready to make the rest of the search broader. Had my friend not encouraged me to change the height and age range of my search I would have missed meeting my guy! Keep your options open unless you keep getting too much of one age. Feel free to change those ranges of distance etc. on a weekly basis to see what kind of different matches you get. If you only get one a day, chances are you need to make the distance or age broader.

5. I wouldn’t jump to “fast track” open communication. Take your time and don’t get discouraged if people don’t respond as quickly as you might want. Some people only get on once a day, or even once a week – it just depends how long they’ve been on e-harmony. At the beginning I was checking 2xs a day… not so much in the weeks that followed, especially after D and I moved to e-mail.

We went through the E-harmony steps, then moved to personal e-mail, then to texting and talking on the phone before we had our first date. When we moved to open communication D asked how I thought things should progress. He asked about the timeline of each progression so that I would be comfortable… and I didn’t give him my last name until we moved to personal e-mail addresses.

6. Give a piece of info on your profile that makes you stand out. Most people say they like sports, hanging with friends, their families and “God.” Great. But what makes you “you”?

What caught our attention?

David listed my favorite book, A Severe Mercy, as the last book he had read. Major bonus points. 

D said that aside from pics and a general pleasant profile, my “one thing you should know about me” fact snagged his attention: “I have mad board game skills.” – it was comical but also something he enjoys.

GENERAL ONLINE DATING TIPS

• Ask LOTS of questions before you meet.
• GOOGLE and research. (Be smart!)
• Let friends and family know where you are going to be and when. (You might even have someone within walking distance of your first date.)
• Drive separately until you feel like you know this person.
• Involve your community in your relationship. (We didn’t want our marriage to exist on an island separated from the input of other relationships – so we made spending time with each other’s community a top priority. We double-dated with friends, watched LOST with his crew, and made sure to stay connected to both of our faith communities.)
• Pray it up. 

This is not an all-inclusive list by any means – any of the tips. So feel free to add everything I’ve forgotten today.

Worst-case scenario: You end up with some fabulously awkward tales to share at parties.

Best-case scenario: You meet someone who wants to play boardgames with you. (For always.)

Pinch Me

I don't know if I can put into words what I'm feeling and processing today. So many people that I love are working through disappointments. They had dreamed and hoped and then... it didn't happen. Heartbreak.

Have you seen the Joseph Kony video that's been shared millions of times this week? Watching the shares and even the controversy surrounding the social media frenzy has taken me back to a time of my own heartbreak. In May of 2008 I applied to be an intern with Invisible Children. I was absolutely convinced that I would be accepted and moving to Uganda. I had asked for a leave of absence at work. I put every inch of me into believing that I would move to Uganda in the fall. I read books, memorized facts, took classes, and even moved my stuff into storage- all the while 100% believing and trusting that God was going to have me to to Uganda. The DAY AFTER I moved my stuff into storage I got the "no" letter. I wrote this blog post in July of 2008 while I was still reeling.

I have known the disappointment that comes when you feel like you are living and walking in God's will... only to have everything you are sure of break apart.

I'll be honest, the rest of 2008 was challenging. I struggled. But I learned so much through the experience about myself and about My God. He didn't say "no" to punish or confuse me. I had been asking Him to guide my steps... and He did.

Rejection is hard, especially when you feel like you were acting in faith. "But in faith Abraham left everything – his home and family – and went to the land the Lord would slowly grant him."

Abram [Abraham] who did not always wait, obey, or trust - is chosen to have more descendants than the sands in the sea. This man from Ur was selected out of everyone on the planet of that time to receive THE PROMISE. So why Abram?

Genesis 12:4 suggests an initial answer: "So Abram left." Perhaps one answer is simply, "Because he'd go." (Beth Moore)

Uganda with Invisible Children in the fall of 2008 is not the land for me. Perhaps Uganda or Africa one day...but maybe not. Part of this process was learning just to be willing to go wherever or whenever He leads. I had money saved, my bags packed, and I was ready for His call. Maybe He was just asking me if I was ready.

Whether I'm overseas or right here on my quiet street, I know I'm aiming to follow.

"But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved." Hebrews 10:39

Action Verbs

Just a few from the Old Testament:

THE GOD WHO...

HEARS Hagar - Genesis 16:11

SEES Hagar - Genesis 16:13

HEARS Ishmael - Genesis 21:17

OPENS the eyes of Hagar - Genesis 21:19

SEES Leah - Genesis 29:31

HEARS Leah - Genesis 29:33

LISTENS to Leah - Genesis 30:17

REMEMBERS Rachel - Genesis 30:22

WAS WITH Joseph - Genesis 39:2

SENDS Joseph - Genesis 45:5

INTENDED GOOD - Genesis 50:20

WAS KIND - Exodus 1:20

HEARD & REMEMBERED, LOOKED & WAS CONCERNED - Exodus 2:24-25

HEARD & REMEMBERED -Exodus 6:6

DID what Moses asked - Exodus 8:13

BROUGHT - Exodus 12:51

WILL FIGHT for you -Exodus 13:14

SAVED Israel - Exodus 14:30

HEALS you - Exodus 15:26

GIVES - Exodus 16:8

HEARD - Exodus 16:9

COMMANDED - Exodus 17:1

CARRIED you - Exodus 19:4

BROUGHT them out - Exodus 20:2

BLESSED the Sabbath day - Exodus 20:11

WILL GIVE you - Exodus 25:21

WILL MEET with you - Exodus 25:21

WILL DWELL among you - Exodus 29:45

HAS GIVEN skill - Exodus 31:6

CAME DOWN - Exodus 34:5

CHOSE - Exodus 35:30

GAVE ability - Exodus 36:2

COMMANDED - Exodus 39:21

CALLED Moses - Leviticus 1:1

GAVE - Leviticus 7:38

SPOKE to Moses - Leviticus 16:1

GIVES the Land - Leviticus 20:24

MAKES us holy - Leviticus 22:32

and on and on...

He's moving even when you feel stagnate.

He's listening even when you've run out of things to say.

I'm resting today in the fact that He sees me and the mountain that's before me... and that His promise is to journey with me all the way.

Giant Metaphor (let's be honest)

When we came home from our honeymoon, we found the most wonderful gift. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law had filled our fridge with essentials, cleaned the house, and organized our countless piles. My sister-in-law had also left a gift for us to find on both the front and back porches.

The six pots were filled with basil, oregano, dill, heirloom tomatoes, sweet tomatoes, and flowers. I could hardly contain my excitement... and my dread.

I kill things. I don't want to kill them, but I have this horrible habit of over-watering, over-exposing, and smothering my plants. But I determined to see these plants through. The temperatures here since October 31 have been as high as 100 and as low as 25. By Christmas I worried that the plants would all have perished. We left them indoors as we traveled for both of the holidays. After lamenting their pitiful state, my sister-in-law and her boyfriend gave us "worm tea" (home grown - the stuff left at the bottom of the bucket of worms) in hopes that some fertilizer might do the trick. They still look peaked. So then we tried placing the plants in different locations thinking the sun might have something to do with the problem. The plants were hanging on at the first of the year, but barely.

But this week, although the leaves are droopy, something new is happening. The flowers are budding, the tomatoes are sprouting and it looks like my little band of brothers just might make it.

I have an incredible season of life right now. We decided, as a family, that I would take time to work on a personal project that has been years in the making. I've talked about it with gusto, started it hundreds of times, and placed it on every bucket list I've owned since college. I over-watered it... and I over-exposed it.

So I scaled back, way back. I've held it close and tried to refrain from watering... I tried so hard that it just about dried up. Bribery, gadgets, and schedules had little effect on my own personal drive. It's a problem when your least favorite part about writing is writing. I doubted myself and have feared rejection in the worst way. If I don't actually have a finished product then no one can turn me down! No one can critique my creative work if no one can ever see my work.

In the midst of this creative project I started searching for additional employment and kept feeling as though every door was closed to me. When my last ditch effort came to nothing, it was my husband who was there to remind me: "You have bigger things to do."

Somtimes, bigger means smaller. Working out what I feel is God's calling on my life - that work he prepared in advance for me to do (Eph. 2:10) - sometimes feels tedious. I'm closed up in my house or wearing earphones in a coffee shop and I often wish I was just finished. To be honest, the prideful part of me really wants to have a concrete answer to give people who ask, "So what do you do?"

But what I've learned over the past few months is that I am not doing this to have something to do. I am doing this because it's something that's burning inside of me. Even if this never brings in a penny of income, I'm deepening my roots and coaching every bit of life that I can from this little plant.

That's a lot of metaphor. But the point of all of this really is just to say...

If you feel like your dreams were choked out, or dried up this winter, or this past year... take heart. We serve a God who has mercies that are new for us every day. Move the pots around, add some water, and let the sun do its thing.

"But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.” Jeremiah 17:7-8 (NIV)

Get out of the car.

I really don't enjoy being in a situation where I do not know a majority of the company present. When I first moved to Arizona I was forced to do this on a weekly basis. I was constantly forcing myself to get out of the car and walk into my own personal version of torture. Ok, maybe torture is too strong. So how about a different metaphor. It was like going to the dentist. That's it. Slightly painful and not overly enjoyable until the very last few minutes.

The thing is that in these situations, I know that I will be fine... eventually. I’m just really good at arguing with myself. Often the discussion goes a little something like this:

Ginger: You need to get out of the car and go into this Bible Study.
Ginger: But I don’t know anyone in there..
Ginger: That’s WHY you are going. So you can make some friends.
Ginger: But I have friends.
Ginger: Um, it doesn’t count if they are 18 hours away.
Ginger: I know, but what if these people...
Ginger: Stop making excuses.
Ginger: You know, I’m probably at the wrong place. I don’t see many cars. I should just go.
Ginger: GET OUT OF THE CAR.
Ginger: Ok!! I’m going! Gosh! (Yes, I say gosh.)

I’m getting pretty good at getting out of the car. So good, that I’m picking up quite a few new things this year. 2009 has officially become my break-out-of-my-introverted-shell-for-good year. Because really, I’m not a turtle, so I’m ditching the shell already. I’ve joined a small group, spoken for a college ministry, run a 5K with my running group, put together some Ikea furniture, and even tasted sushi for the first time. 2009 has been big and we’re really only a few weeks in.

But this Wednesday night I’m about to push my limits again. Somehow I’ve agreed to attend a Hip Hop dance class. I’ve gone to dance classes before, but the last one was in college and I was a theatre major…so come on, dance was a given. But me being graceful or remotely capable of HIP HOP?? Dancing is not my spiritual gift. I’m great at car dancing, but learning a routine in a room full of tiny, blonde, coordinated women? Dear Lord.

Help me get out of the car.

I will let you know how it goes. Maybe I will sneak in my camera.

The only thing we have to fear...

I purchased a “No Fear” t-shirt in junior high. I had one about baseball, the bases were loaded with two outs…something like that. Then, the Pastor at my church preached a mid-week sermon on why “No Fear” wasn’t such a great thing. We were told that a healthy dose of fear was what the doctor ordered. Then I bought a “Fear Not” shirt and wore that around for a few years. I would roll the sleeves and wear them with denim shorts…jorts if you will.

Yesterday I was speaking to a friend who has been encouraged to apply for a discipleship program that she feels "may be too much for her". I started wondering how often we make decisions based on what we feel we cannot do. I’m not referring to over-committing ourselves; sometimes we must say “no” to things in order to say “yes” to what is really important. But when we have the opportunity to take a risk and try, how often do we dismiss the thought because we don’t feel we are up to the challenge, or the idea frightens us.

Just this Monday I went up to the mountains in northern Arizona where there is snow. The high may be 78 degrees here today, but there was plenty of snow in Flagstaff. We pulled out around 5:30am to be able to make it to the slopes in enough time. The last time I skied was in 2002. I skied sporadically through high school and college, but never frequently enough to push myself. I think that I’ve skied a few blues, but never a black run. Monday I was skiing with a family who was pretty much raised on the slopes. I took two runs doing pretty well before we jumped on a new lift. Half way up the lift Brian said, “Uh…I don’t think this is the right lift.” How did he know that? When we reached the top I discovered the only way down was a black run. They tried to encourage me by letting me know we would stay clear of moguls, but that didn’t really help at the moment. I was doing fine for about the first five minutes, and then we came to the steepest portion of the run. My immediate thought was “No way. No heck way. I’m not doing this.” As my two skiing companions headed down I had a discussion with my self that seemed forever but probably lasted less than 5 seconds. I made the decision that I would never let fear alone be a reason for not experiencing something in life. I will let common sense be a factor, but not fear. I bent my knees, hugged the mountain, and kept my snow plow at the ready. I was fine, and the feeling at the bottom was amazing. I didn’t fall, didn’t injure myself, and I had accomplished something that I was initially terrified to do.

When I spoke with my friend I encouraged her to think all the way through her “no” response to the program. It would be one thing for her to say “no” if she really wasn’t interested in it or thought it didn’t line up with what the Lord had for her. But to say “no” because of fear of failure or simply fear in general…I wouldn’t let her get away with that.

Next time I'm going for the moguls.

Trading Spaces

Sometimes I feel like I'm destined to have white walls for the rest of my life. I know that seems an odd point to complain about, but I'm sitting in my very white living room and staring into my white dining area and kitchen. I don't mind apartment living, the fact that I cough up a chunk of cash every month to feel safe in my community is well worth it to me. But what I cannot stand is this glaring white image that reminds me how much this isn't really "my" home.

I was able to choose the blue color of "my" room at my parents house. Aside from that, I don't believe I've been privileged to paint to my preference. I was visiting friends this morning who have made their small home into a wealth of color and warmth. Their paint is daring, creative, and I love it. One room has vertical strips, another looks like the inside of a Starbucks. They're still working on the kitchen, but are planning to do something with bricks.

I've done what I can to my little space. Added bits of color through drapes, chairs, and colorful photos. Luckily I have giant windows that draw your attention outwards rather than up the high walls. I really have no idea what I would actually paint this room, now that I think about it. I may actually be too much of a coward to ever paint with real authority and courage. My visions of deep reds and bright yellows will probably fade away to practical khaki and beige hues...but that's assuming I might one day be allowed to paint a wall.

Oh well, here's to hoping.

Drastic Measures

"We have to be braver than we think we can be, because God is constantly calling us to be more than we are, to see through plastic sham to living, breathing reality, and to break down our defenses of self-protection in order to be free to receive and give love." Madeleine L'Engle

I am by nature, a creature of habit. I put my keys in the same place. I keep my socks in the right drawer. That is why I must resort to drastic measures when it comes to food selections. When shopping for cereal I make it my goal to never purchase the same product twice in a row. I could go 8 months in between boxes of Cheerios, one of my favorites. If I don't live on the edge in the morning, I probably won't during the rest of my day. I used to be so predictable that you could tell me what I was about to order at any given restaurant. In recent years I have made it my goal to live life on the edge when dining, to incur some sort of a risk. If I don't like lunch, I can always eat dinner, right? (Sometimes it's the small victories that make your day.)

I recently read the definition of COURAGE as "The belief that I am indestructible until my work on earth is done." It's one of those definitions that cause you to raise your fist in the air and yell “charge” with complete enthusiasm. The only problem is that I do not think courage is one of my defining characteristics. I line my bookshelves with inspiration, purchase maps of the world, and make life mission statements that would rival the greatest explorer. I take notes on anything that has to do with adventure.

I would like to consider this definition when discussing courage: "taking action despite fear for a purpose." I recognize that there isn't a great moral or philosophical purpose in choosing Special K. I don't expect to wake up tomorrow ready to take on the world - but I am taking steps daily towards reckless abandonment in every aspect of my life. I am asking that the Lord would show me where a fear of failure rips the courage out from under me. My fear isn't heights, speaking in front of a crowd, or even being alone. My fear is missing out on the adventurous life God has for me because of my own self-doubts. Thankfully He is and will always be there to push and guide every step of the way.

“How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow on those who take refuge in you.” Psalm 31:19