Waiting to Explicate

Sometimes waiting is the worst. Especially in the case of: the night before the first day of school, Christmas Eve, grocery store lines, movie theatre slides before the previews, and long traffic lights with censors that don’t pick up your car so you back up and pull forward repeatedly in hopes that you will trip the sensor. I’m sure there are many other things that come to mind. I know much of it has to do with our culture. I need my microwave burrito faster and I find myself frustrated when the Internet takes too long to load. Sometimes I scream loudly on my insides about having to wait, and often times in my car, I scream on the outside.

I think I’ve been doing a little bit of screaming. I’m generally quite content and have been for a good period of time. I’ve tried to tell myself that wishing time away will result in a life not fully lived, and who wants that? I’m in a little bit of a holding pattern for the minute. I’m hoping that I’m not missing out on anything, but I really feel as if I have been holding my breath for too long and fear that I may just faint before I’m giving the OK to come up for some water. Breathe.

Last week I walked into my photography class full of anticipation. We would be presenting our goals and desires to the whole class and then a sample of some of our work. I had typed out my answer and even brought along some pieces by other photographers to illustrate the style of photography that I admire. I kept waiting for my name to be called. I was called second to last out of the whole class. I really felt sick to my stomach and kept stacking my papers in various orders. I wasn’t nervous to present, I just couldn’t concentrate on anyone else while I was waiting. Please God don’t let me be like this in real life! As I wait to hear about an opportunity for adventure this fall, I’m reminded of my inner response in photography class. Am I so wrapped up in presenting/living my story, that I’m ignoring the stories all around me?

I learned a lot by going last in my class…well, second to last. I couldn’t believe the emotional response I had by the time it was my turn. I began to ramble, didn’t even pull out my typed goals, and showed only one example of photography I admire. My whole plan went down the drain. Instead, I sat on the front of the desk and started at a slow pace and ended up high pitched and teary-eyed speaking about the LRA and Night Commuting in Uganda. When I finally finished and sat down at my desk I felt flushed and a little foolish. Class was eventually dismissed around 9:15pm and I shrinked out of the room wanting to transport to my car. I’m by far the youngest in my class and the only one who had been so emotional in their explanation. I walked across the parking lot speaking out loud, “Stupid! Just stick to your paper!”

In retrospect, I’m fine with my emotional presentation. I’m also fine with this waiting period. I just like to be prepared and this portion of time between decision and action is challenging me and reminding me to take deep breaths and just wait, for Pete’s sake.