What's eating Gilbert's face?

It's a good thing I am not nostalgic and do not name things like my plant, car, or house. That is, I had not named anything EVER until the purchase of the Mac. My sister asked me over the phone if I had named my second born. (The first born is named Canon Rebel. He’s a bit rebellious, so the name just fits.) I jokingly replied that I would indeed be calling my laptop “Apple” after Chris Martin’s firstborn. She did not find this humorous. I decided to appease her and threw out “Macintosh, Granny Smith, and Gala.” Needless to say, she was not overly amused, although I could not stop laughing the entire time. I really am the funniest person I know. I think it embarrasses the Mac sometimes.

Well guess what? I’m not amused either. I hate my life. (Read: Technology hates me and I’ve literally screamed aloud 20 times in the last two weeks at computers, projectors, and my co-workers.)

You read the joyful birth announcement of little Apple. He was a surprise, as I was expecting a water filter. What I was not expecting was to have that child shut down repeatedly in the next 24 hours. Gilbert Grape, as the Mac was “affectionately” called, was clearly being eaten by something. (The amazing part about the name is that I can scream at the top of my lungs “WHAT IN THE HECK IS EATING YOU?!!”)

Gilbert was returned to the store after a few heart attacks and phone calls, and his hard drive was placed into another machine. He was handed back with plenty of apologies. I take home Gilbert II (I’m super creative), and plugged him in only to have it NOT TURN ON. I let it charge, all the while noticing a green light radiating from the charge connector. Two hours later, Gilbert is apparently still born.

So as not to appear like a complete idiot, I bring the Mac to work just to have my boss make sure it’s not a user error. He turns the computer on with just one tap of the finger. (INSERT LOUD SCREAM). It stays on all day. I stop at the store just in case to tell them about the issue and ask for assurances that the computer will see me through my trip to Texas. They reassure.

I use the laptop all evening with no problems and charge it up for my flight. Fast forward to 10:30am the next morning as the captain has just informed us that we are now free to use approved electronic devices. I have a ton of work to do and affectionately smile at Gilbert. I open it up, press power, and WHAT THE FREAK!? Nothing. Nada. Zip. I pray, try pressing the power button from several angles… all to no avail.

I calmly pull out the writer’s old-fashioned solution, my favorite easy grip pen and a journal. All is well for roughly 20 minutes before my life becomes a scene straight out of Earnest goes to Jail. INK EVERYWHERE. Hands covered. No other pen with me, of course. I’m left with a giant mess and only a highlighter to my name. This left me with some great prayer time once I had calmed down, but seriously?! Really? Really Mac? Really pen? REALLY?!

I popped out the battery during my layover and then put it back in. The Mac came to life. This relationship is killing me. I don’t know what to expect from my child. Over the course of the weekend Gilbert turned on 80% of the time, shut down improperly 3 times, and then would drop from 40% battery life to 0% in less than a second. Is it wrong to hate your children? I wish he had never been born.

I’m taking him back. Today. I don’t even know if I’m ready for the responsibility of this kind of relationship anyways. So now I’m working on my trusty PC reject. (Which has shut down with no warning THREE times this morning. REALLY TECHNOLOGY? Really?!!)

The PC does not have a name. Nothing will ever get a name again. My own offspring will be referred to as Child 1 and Child 2.

I have to be this way to make the passing of Gilbert easier. I cry at Hallmark commercials and movie previews and therefore I cannot overly-feel my own life. Maybe it's because I’m German, or maybe I am the world's only romantic-realist. Can you be both? Guess so...

***UPDATE 4/3/2009***

Left Gilbert on the steps of the Mac Store. Picked up The Golden Child. Let's hope he lives up to his name. [He is not refurbished and has Apple Care. I feel the winds of change.]