Monday, June 8, 2009

Looking for a job? Then you can have one and be famous!

Recently I was blessed with a sizable box of old school paper, art projects, art journals, and—guys. I’ve hit the mother load. I know you’ve been subjected to a lot of my journal entries, school reports, and the like, but this is good stuff. Check it:

First, judging from the handwriting, I’d say we have a memento from probably the 5th or 6th grade. I don’t know if it’s a lesson in writing definitions and examples or a history assignment about medieval times. In either case….

Did you get that, gentlemen? Make sure you always give ladies the right of way, even if you’ve been waiting “a long time.” Where said lady is passing I’m not quite sure, but this must be a good lesson in “ladies first.” You should probably be taking notes.

I drew this masterpiece when I was nine:
No, this is not a self-portrait. I'm pretty sure this is some version of what I wished to look like. I mean, seriously. What's not to love? Neon colors? Check. Dangly earrings? Check (Oh, wait look! Double pierced! Check check!). Braces like all the cool older kids had? Check! And- most importantly- curly hair. The heavens might as well open up now and annoint this girl the Most Slammin' Look Ever award. She's earned it.

Next, from circa 4th or 5th grade. We must have been studying ancient Egypt… I have no idea what the assignment was.

Carvers Needed!
Looking for a job? Then you can have one and be famous! We are carving a new thing called a sphinx. It is half lion and half man.
Hours: 6:00 A.M. to 7:00 P.M.
Age: 16-50 years
All days a week but Sunday
10 miles west of the Nile
Pay: 50 cents an hour
Call me @ 1800-950-Valerie
(How can you be famous? It will be big!)

Just 10 miles west! You know, of any point on THE NILE. Just start anywhere! Pretty easy to find. Other than that, I mean, this seems pretty fair to me. What? You will be paid and YOU WILL BE FAMOUS. Because hello. It will be big.

Now a gem from third grade. This is labeled a “Writing Activity.” But it also comes with the added bonus of a drawing!

I always laugh at the dinner table when my brother takes the ketchup and says, “Oh I love you ketchup!” He blinks his eyelashes in a romantic way. He loves ketchup and even puts it on his ham!

Oh, HAM! Lol... I have no idea what I am even talking about. Clay would have never done something like that. Plus, he would have been in preschool when I wrote this! Sorry, Clay….

We did an enormous poetry unit in the 5th grade, which culminated in a project that I see now is called "Valerie's Book of 24 Poems." Yes, I am creative. Check out some of my genius!


My life is like a box, covered in wrapping
My eyes are like microschopes
My teeth are steel.
My hair is soft.
My heart holds joy
That is blue as the sea.
I live in a pleasant house
And eat tasty food. Oh, and thanks for the pleasant house, Dad. That was aces.

Finally, I bring you the required horse drawing. You're just not a 5th grade girl without one!

I really have no idea why my parents did not encourage me to pursue a career in the arts. Baffling, isn't it?


hootenannie said...

Oh sweet mercy.

Poor Clay... haha.

And what a majestic horse! With short legs. But I do not judge. :)

Prosso said...

Just to recap:

My life is like a box, covered in wrapping
My eyes are like microschopes
My teeth are steel.

Well done.

Ginger said...

Like Joey I must refer to:

My eyes are like microschopes
My teeth are steel.

Perhaps your steely teeth caused the lisp. Microschopes. Schwell. Schpeaking of hams...

Who is in the ketchup picture with Clay? If Dad, he looks angry.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, but that sounds EXACTLY like something Clay would have both said and done!
And yes, ketchup on ham! It went on every meat he ever ate. Just a prelude to ketchup on broccoli!

Katie said...

Hilarious. Clearly, Val, you are possessed of great undiscovered genius.

And yes, 10 miles west of ANYWHERE on the Nile? That's going to be a reeeeally big sculpture.

dc said...

Were you in a Song of Solomon-inspired mood?
"My life is like a box, covered in wrapping
My eyes are like microschopes
My teeth are steel."
I know it's a bit mature for a kid, but you supposed to say this kind of stuff about your lover....

~lady j said...

aww it's a little dacshund horse! :)

and steel teeth sound absolutely terrifying.