Friday, July 30, 2010

This week in history... personal, that is.

Ten years ago this week I was in Mexico on a missions trip. My family had moved from Plano to Houston in May and I had spent a good portion of the summer counting down to seeing my church friends on this trip and packing up for my freshman year at ACU.

What's a missions trip without a crush? I personally love going back through my prayer journals to discover what I was learning at the time... only to find myself lamenting over a guy situation. (Usually I was interested in a guy and reading into EVERYTHING that he said or did. I felt the need to give God the full 4-1-1.)

For example:

July 22, 2000
Why does it have to be so hard? Kind words help and yet I dwell on them so much. Thank you for the wonderful service last night, and all of the beautiful children. May many lives be changed this day because of the joy they see in our lives. Why is life so confusing? Show me my sin. Was that of you? Just let your will take over the whole situation because I don't trust myself right now. Just let your will be done.

I wasn't distracted at all.

Fast forward to the summer of 2006. I was a college graduate and a grown up with a job and a lease. I was contemplating a transition and ended up applying for the job in Arizona just a few weeks after this entry. I had turned down a great job offer in Dallas that day.

July 23, 2006
So, I'm here for at least part of this year. I told the church "no." Am I crazy? So many things looked right! What is my problem? I'm here... in Tyler - working, going to a church. Lord, I want to do something outside of myself. Help! What have I learned this summer?
-You do move in spite of me.
-You do speak to me.
-You know the plans you have for me.
-I don't want you to sign off on my plans - I want to accept whatever you have for me.
-I must face life with my hands open.
-Life on earth is not about life on earth.
-I must leave people wanting more of you.
-Being vulnerable is a good thing.
-I need to go after IT. (what is it?)
-I am not a servant, but I would like to be one.
-Change brings grief.
-I don't know anything.
-I need You.

It's amazing to think about how much change has taken place since writing those words. I'm still working on those lessons.

And finally - one year ago.

One year ago this week I was contemplating a move back to Texas... but not really. The prospect of going home was exciting, as was a new job prospect... but I just felt there was more to be done in Arizona.

July 28,2009
...Sheesh! Lord, I don't even feel like I have time to think - I want what you want. If I have a choice - then I think I would stay here... but that's just a thought - not a thought out or prayed out solution. Moving back to Texas in October... that idea makes me... sad... more than excited. Lord, hit me with a frying pan if I should go...

Within three weeks of writing this I moved from children's ministry to youth ministry and had countless changes in my life. Change brings what? Grief. Exactly. September was a grieving month but October... October was the start of something new.

July 29, 2010
Look how far you have brought this worried girl! Thank you, Father... for the guidance even when I didn't see or feel it. Thank you for another year of challenges and changes. Continue to guide!


Katie said...

Thanks for this, we're preparing for a huge transition it's good to know there's joy on the other side.

Lauren said...

It's good to know I'm not the only one whose journals were filled with play-by-play boy interactions. I always feel mortified when I pull them out to review.